spaces, not lines

architecture is amazing. i've only been at design discovery camp for two days and i've learned so much already. i can't imagine doing anything else with my life and it just feels so natural.

i really miss all my friends though....i dont want to leave anymore. i just want them to surround me all the time, for the rest of the summer.

million dollar idea

hey everyone lets take all our money and use to it buy expensive sound systems, fancy church buildings, nice clothes, and expensive food...everyone else can starve! then we can all make each other feel good about ourselves and our "Christian walks" while sipping on a 5 dollar drink and wearing polo or nike from head to toe! sound good?

Scene

With the subconscious preconception that anyone actually wants to read the inside of my mind put into words, here is something I have been thinking about for the past couple of days.

I do enjoy painting and sketching, I feel complete when I am using this creative outlet, but sadly I am not talented enough to capture the emotions in this scene between two people, more specifically two siblings.

Imagine two people. One girl being tall, blonde, well built, and as the world perceives attractiveness, he is attractive, but there is absolutely no depth behind his eyes. Nothing more exists than what the world can see with no effort. The guy being not so evenly proportioned, brunette, with a short haircut that the world may not view as pleasingly as the other. When you look into this guy's eyes, you see a whole other world existing in his mind. He has had time alone on weekends to sit and think about things and form opinions about the great depths of the world.

These two siblings were incredibly close in their childhood, each of them admiring the other for their strengths. As the grew older, they have grown apart, growing more selfish having invested more time in themselves rather than their relationship.

These two have just had a fight that started out with something minute, but turned into the struggle between good and evil, between popularity and intellect. The sister has just said something so carelessly about the brother. She cannot take these words back.

Here is the scene I've had in my mind for a while.

The two stand about 5 yards apart. The background is irrelevant, because the look that is in the brother's eyes is so disturbing that it will destroy the sister's conscience and their relationship forever.

The brother looks his sister square into her blue eyes, with the most hurt, most furious look he has ever held on his face, but it is not the expression that destroys her. It is the look in his eyes, the look that lets the sister knows that he holds the intellectual power to remember and forget things as he pleases, but he will never forget what she said, but he has the power to erase the sister's presence from his life.

He has just removed everything that has to do with this selfish girl out of his mind forever.



The emotions in this scene cannot be captured with a paint brush, but it is just something to think about and remember that we can never take words back.

Pita Bread

Well....my journal is in my car and I'm too lazy to go get it, so I'm just gonna try and write this song I started in my head on my blog. It will probably need some extreme editing, so no judgment.

Pita Bread

Infants buying wedding rings

No recognition of commitment

Each new day the choir sings

The song of the inconsistent

I cannot sit, I cannot stand

You know I'm always listenin

I sit in the stands and I hear your voice

Sing the song of the inconsistent

You tear me up like pita bread

You leave me high and dry

Today I'll let the wind catch me

I'm leaving you tonight

I cannot sit, I cannot stand

You know I'm always listenin

I sit in the stands and I hear your voice

Sing the song of the inconsistent

I'm gonna let this breeze catch me

Me, my crumbs and all

Some pretty bird is gonna sing for me

Louder than your siren call

....feel free to criticize

Solidification

Lately I've been having a chain of really deep thoughts, but all the chain is doing is dragging me around. I have done nothing to make sense of these ideas, and this is why I'm grateful for a blog. 

I find myself disagreeing with a lot that people say in my church. I attend a church of Christ and a lot of times I get extremely frustrated with some of the doctrine being taught. I have no doubt of why I'm a Christian and where I'm going when I die, but during services I get so uncomfortable I am literally squirming in my seat, looking for someone who may be realizing some of the things I'm realizing. 

There is no doubt that there must be leadership in the church with a solid foundation of beliefs. Without that, the church would fail. But why must we separate ourselves from others by calling our leaders "elders"? I simply do not understand how it is a valid point to discourage someone from attending another church because they do not call their leaders, who do the exact same thing as elders, elders. Is "elder" not already a translated word in the first place? Is the entire Bible not a translated book? Why then, must we look down upon The Message, or "deacons" when what we are putting so much faith in might already possess certain fallacies? I just do not understand it.

Along with, but more significant than, the simple nomenclature is the very nature of the Bible Belt and American Christianity as a whole. Do not get me wrong, there are many, many amazing Christians doing amazing things, but I believe that there are some things that we are just missing. Why in the world is it so important that our church has a gym, kitchen, ping pong table, $90,000 sound system, and so many unnecessary things when there are people that have nothing, including Christ? I think that if we all realized that a church is not a facility, but a body, then we'd be able to give up the mundane things that we "need" so badly. If we gave up our buildings and met in a public place, open for everyone, I think there would be less intimidation for people to approach the church.

The intimidation factor is a separate issue itself. I was reading an article on the reaction of a Christian university after the students discovered a classmate was gay, and someone commented on the article and made a valid point. They wrote that American Christianity has made villains out of sinners, especially homosexuals. Let us not forget that a liar is no better than someone struggling with their sexuality. Let us not forget that there is not a point system for sins, and that there is not a single person on Earth who does not "deserve" forgiveness of their peers, because after all, none of us deserve the forgiveness provided by our Creator. We should make it a point to be transparent with one another, as well as erase the judgement from our minds, because it is simply not our job to say that someone is better than another just because they do not struggle with that particular sin. 

These are just a few ideas that have been swimming around in my mind and I just needed to take them out of the pool and dry them off, so that I will be able to word what I am thinking a little better. Not everything needs to be agreed with, but everything certainly should be acknowledged and considered, just for the growth of perception and open mindedness.

In the dead center of a hurricane, here's a new post for the waiting room.

In the midst of eating leftover rolls, studying for calculus, english homework, and trying to memorize lines, I felt a sudden urge to post some new thoughts. I now have somewhat of a grasp on my future. I will be living in Starkville, Mississippi for the next four years studying architecture. Now that that colossal decision has been made, I can relax....not.

A human rubber band. That's what I am right now. I am being pulled at every end. I have about four songs in my head that I'm trying to find time to sit down and write, but that's pretty hard to do while trying to get 30 service hours, find time to satisfy this lack of a grasp I have on my religious perceptions(I am in desperate need of deep thought and reading material so I can once again get back on some solid ground), memorize basically a whole book for Big River, and somehow be able to make decent grades.

I know this will pass, but I am learning a lot about myself and how I handle stress. I tend to focus on the very least important and cover my eyes, hoping the major things I need to work on will just go away. I'm sure this is just a bad case of senioritis, but it worries me that I'm making this a habit.

"Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light." Matthew 11:28-30 
"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid." John 14:27

the men with the plan

so while i'm on break, i would like to share with all two of my followers(yeah im making great strides in the blogging community) who i've been listening to and I'm obsessed with.

• Donovan Frankenreiter
• Ben Harper
• Jack Johnson

Peace.

I'm glad to say that I have peace with a lot of things going on in my life. My nervousness about play auditions are settled, I'm getting back to that serenity where God is truly using me to work for him, and all my relationships with my friends are great. I'm really glad all this has happened. It's what I've needed. I'm also glad to be able to say that I've removed myself from the dating game, because no matter how perfect the relationship is, as a high school senior, you know the outcome most of the time..separation. Not to put down functional relationships, its just that I've never been able to get one to work. But I have not lost hope. Anyways, this withdrawal has allowed me to just lay back and be friends with everyone and not worry about a relationship...I kinda wish I had been doing this my whole high school career...there would be so much trouble saved. But every test and every bad time is a learning lesson and every single thing that has happened in my life has gotten me to be where I am. It's crazy to think that literally everything in life is simply a series of actions and reactions. I'm super behind on my math and my research paper....so I better react and wrap this post up.

Straight Up Time....maybe later.

Disclaimer: Before this is read, one should know that this is about a certain event that is going on in my life right now...that is the whole point of this online, public diary right?....right?

I've never been one to beat around the bush about something. If I have something to say, I say it. Contradicting this is another one of my instincts. My extreme hate of telling someone how I feel. Sure, it's probably pretty obvious when I'm sad about something because I don't make near as much jokes, or flirt as much, or whatever I normally tend to do. It's just that, when I'm hurt, I'm hurt. I can't hide the wound. As much as I would like to just forget about the whole thing and move on, it just stays in my mind like a little seed and grows. I know talking about it would help, but I know that if I started talking, everything else that is extremely important that I keep to myself for the sake of the future of this extremely important friendship will undoubtedly come out. So maybe it is not the fact that I don't want to talk, maybe it is the fact that I shouldn't...for everyone's sake. I mean, the forgiveness factor has been taken care of...it was taken care of before there was even an apology, that's what love is all about..it's just the whole talking things out that I should probably just avoid.

I know this probably relates to pride, which I struggle with, but I cannot help being hurt when I discover that I may not be as much of a "priority" for lack of a better word to someone as they are to me. This is definitely going to happen in life, and it's something I can accept, I just didn't think I would have to in this particular relationship...but hey, it happens.


I know there's a plan for everything, but a lot of times, I get scared that I do things to mess up the plan laid out for me...you know, like sometimes on tv you'll see a time traveling episode where someone goes to fix something that happened in the past, but turns out that one mistake lead to all the good things they had before.(I'm almost positive this is an episode of fairly oddparents by the way) It's just really scary to realize the magnitude of the fact that every action taken is going to affect your future, as well as the future of everyone else around you.

This is the title sequence for the particular episode I was referring to earlier.

i am thankful for...

• love. true, raw, never ending love
• the closeness of my family
• May 26, 2011 being the last day of my high school career
• my best friends that will do anything for me
• shadiness....it reminds me that sometimes people just won't be nice. it has nothing to do with who the person is, they were simply appreciating something or someone so much that they didnt want the outside world to mess up a perfect moment that may come only every now and then.
• forgiveness
• music
• mumford and sons pandora radio station
• my deep thinking brother
• my beautiful innocent sister
• the ability to be real
• air
• independence(it will be here soon)
• art
• being able to have water or food any time i want it
• being blessed

i am sick of.....

• clementines...i've eaten three cartons of them
• high school
• phonies
• failed relationships
• people thinking they have to tell people they are okay when they are clearly  not..especially at church..if we're all doing just fine, what is the point of Jesus? 
• mediocrity
• scholarship applications
• thinking about my future
• AP calculus
• trying to figure things out
• people focusing their entire existence around something made of a pig's skin

Number One

For the past school year, I've been pumped to leave Decatur. I still am...but not as much. If I get into the architecture program at MSU, thats most likely where I'm headed...but I'll be traveling down to Starkville knowing that there will not be a single soul there that I can hang out with, can talk to, or can confide in. Needless to say....I'm terrified. A lot of my friends are going to Auburn. I have no problem whatsoever with that school, it's just much more commercialized and school spirited than what I'm looking for. MSU seems perfect and I know I'll find my friends and a good campus ministry to get involved in, I just wish there was one person that I knew there. I still have time to make the decision, and I need to just embrace what the Writer has planned out for me and learn to love where I am, who I am with, and who I am. I need to do that right now too. I'm not as content with living in Decatur doing the same old thing every day as I should be. This often results in bitterness towards my schoolwork, church, family and friends. In case you couldnt tell, these are some of the most important things in my life. This is extremely unorganized and extremely "venty" as one of my best friends put something once, but it's whats going on in my mind and I honestly feel lost sometimes. I know that no matter where my friends go to school, nothing in this world will stop them from being my friends and nothing will get in the way of my love for them, I just wish I had one person with the same goals, same priorities, same....anything going to school with me.

1 Corinthians 7:17 - 17 And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there.